Nebraska Women

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Minnesota. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Nebraska. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.
3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
4. Always drink upstream from the herd.
5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.
6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.
8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.

Where Are You From?

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."

Horse Hair: Potentially Dangerous!!!
In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses. This substance, called "amo-bacterium equuii" has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:
Reluctance to cook
Reluctance to perform housework
Reluctance to wear anything but boots
Reluctance to work except in support of a horse
Physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)
Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end. This has been a public service announcement.

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.

Q: What do you call pony with a sore throat?
A: A little hoarse.

Q: What breeds of horses can jump higher than a house?
A: All breeds. Houses don't jump!

Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA.

Q: Why can't horses dance?
A: Because they have 2 left feet.

Q: When do vampires like horse racing?
A: When it's neck and neck.

Q: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

I must have received a huge dose of that horse hair disease. Honestly, people get that glazed look in their eyes when I start talking about my horses. I have it BAD!!! Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones , I mean it doesn't even bother me when others haze over.

Isn't it great to have our horse passion? I sincerely feel blessed. God did a wonderful thing when he created these grand creatures.

i would say you are one of the lucky ones having this disease ASBS. when i start thinking of all the destructive and nasty habits/hobbies a person could pick up, we should be thankful that we have such a wonderful hobby and that we're blessed enough to be able to enjoy it.

two university of nebraska engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole staring up at it. an iowa high school student walked by and asked them what they were doing. they replied that they were trying to figure out the height of the pole. the iowa high schooler shrugged and walked off, soon he returned with a wrench and a measuring tape. he loosened the bolts on the pole, laid it down on the ground and measured it end to end. "18 feet" he told the the nebraskans, "no dummy" replied the nebraskans, "we wanted the height, not the length!"

Ranch wife 101 guidelines:

1. Always load your horse last in the trailer so it is the first one unloaded. By the time he's got his horse unloaded, you will have your cinch pulled and be mounted up ready to go - lessening the chance of him riding off without you with your horse trying to follow while you are still trying to get your foot in the stirrup.

2. Never - and I repeat never - ever believe the phrase "We'll be right back," when he has asked you to help him do something out on the ranch. The echoing words, "this will only take a little while" have filtered through generations of ranch wives and still today should invoke sincere distrust in the woman who hears them.

3. Always know there is NO romantic intention when he pleadingly asks you to take a ride in the pickup with him around the ranch while he checks waters and looks at cattle. What that sweet request really means is he wants someone to open the gates.

4. He will always expect you to quickly be able to find one stray in a four-section brush-covered pasture, but he will never be able to find the mayonnaise jar in four-square feet of refrigerator.

5. Count every head of everything you see - cattle especially, but sometimes horses, deer, quail or whatever moves. Count it in the gate, out the gate or on the horizon. The first time you don't count is when he will have expected that you did. That blank eyelash-batting look you give him when he asks "How many?" will not be acceptable.

6. Know that you will never be able to ride a horse or drive a pickup to suit him. Given the choice of jobs, choose throwing the feed off the back of the pickup. If he is on the back and you are driving, the opportunity for constant criticism of speed, ability and your eyesight will be utilized to the full extent. "How in the he!! could you NOT see that hole?"

7. Never let yourself be on foot in the alley when he is sorting cattle on horseback. When he has shoved 20 head of running, bucking, kicking yearlings at you and then hollers "Hold 'em, hold 'em" at the top of his lungs, don't think that you really can do it without loss of life or limb. Contrary to what he will lead you to believe, walking back to the house is always an option that has been used throughout time.

8. Don't expect him to correctly close the snap-on tops on the plastic refrigerator containers, but know he will expect you to always close every gate. His reasoning, the cows will get out; the food will not.

9. Always praise him when he helps in the kitchen - the very same way he does when you help with the ranch work - or not.

10. Know that when you step out of the house you move from the "wife" department to "hired hand" status. Although the word "hired" indicates there will be a paycheck that you will never see, rest assured you will have job security. The price is just right. And most of the time you will be "the best help he has" even if it is because you are the ONLY help he has.